Wizards of the Coast announced today that a new version of Dungeons and Dragons is in the works. My response to that is “meh”, as I haven’t the slightest idea what to expect of the next edition and it seems like a bit of a PR stunt/panic move as it’s come relatively soon after 4th edition. The news also inspired a typically fluffy “lifestyle” piece from the New York Times where celebrities get name-dropped and the unfortunate phrase “badge of honor for hipsters” gets used, because that’s relevant or something. However, this paragraph I think perfectly illustrates the article’s depth of thought, or lack thereof:

Dungeons & Dragons, created by Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson, was the first commercially published role-playing game when it came out in 1974. In the game imagination is the playscape, assisted by graph-paper maps, miniature figurines of orcs and hobbits and a referee called a “dungeon master” who moderates an improvised story with a pretend fellowship of wizards, warriors and rogues. Players toss polyhedral dice and consult tomes of rules to determine outcomes. It has shades of the “Lord of the Rings,” except that in the game players assembled around a table get to be the characters.

Alright, first off, there are no hobbits in D&D. I’m fairly certain the term “Hobbit” is copyrighted by the Tolkein estate. Maybe you meant “Halfling”. Also, don’t you dare call what I do on Saturday nights once or twice a month “pretend”. It is very real and very intense. Those characters are a part of my SOUL.

However, I am going to start insisting that my Dungeon Masters, or “referees”, start dressing like NFL line judges from now on.