I haven’t dated anyone for a calendar year now. I don’t mind saying that because I don’t think any judgement should come with that fact, but it’s still a bit jarring to write. I’m 26! I’m supposed to be in the middle of some 20-something love affair like all the people on TV and the movies are! Nope. Not me. I had a serious attempt at online dating in 2011, followed by a parodical one, followed by a few months of bitterness and trying to convince everyone I was an INDEPENDENT STRONG DUDE GRR NO TIME FOR THAT BULLSHIT. That…ended poorly.

Obviously, one can only put on a face for so long. Eventually I had to be honest with myself again, a process which brings with it a lot of emotional binging and purging, which always makes me a bit tougher to be around. I’m always fortunate to have friends patient enough for that, but it’s unpleasant, and I’ve decided that I might as well be honest with everyone than be some kind of cynical self-parody that swings around in perpetuity. Before New Year’s, though, I decided after talking to a friend I had to get things in order, and primarily focus on bringing to an end my eternal quest for gainful full-time employment. Just before that I had lost out on a job last month because I was, as the employer put it, overqualified. I thought it was a slam dunk, and the setback did little for my mental facilities.

Once I buried myself one more time it was time to climb out, forget past failures, and get to the business of setting myself straight. I’ve cut back on drinking and tried to stop repeating the same self-defeating cycle that drives everyone, most of all me, completely insane. Those things never go totally away, of course, but I believe I will conquer them in due time. I say they won’t go away until then because there are still days like today when I wake up tired and irritated. Why? Because of someone I dated a year ago.

New Year’s Eve I went to a low-key party with some friends in the Bronx. The ball dropped, good vibes for 2012 were everywhere, and we settled in for some drinks. I decided, being drunk, to make a joke about our fall softball trophy, which I brought along for shits and giggles. “Better date than last year!” I cracked. I always find humor to be the best way to make light of uncomfortable memories, though I’m not always terribly good at it. Last New Year’s remained an uncomfortable memory in a way because I’d been dumped a few days later. The response my friend game me, while unintended, was a bit of a shock.

To paraphrase: ”Oh, her? She said she broke up with you because you weren’t affectionate enough.”

What? Now, I’ve been dumped a few times and the reasons have been pretty similar. I’ve gotten the “It’s not you, it’s me” thing a bit. The extent of the emotional depth I got this most recent time, two or three days after New Year’s, was “I’m not feeling it”, contrary to what I had been led to believe one way or another (without getting into any details). After I got dumped I took the high road for the most part, or tried to as much as one can, so this was pretty surprising to hear, and not in the good way.

Perhaps I was a bit cautious at first, because I explained I had been burned before, but I definitely thought that wasn’t true. Despite that, I thought I had been opening up more and more, and certainly showing a fair bit of the mushy stuff. And besides, isn’t that something I should have heard first, anyway? Why do my friends know this and I don’t? It didn’t make any sense to me. Being pretty loaded with beer and champagne, well, I pretty instantly got ticked and walked out of the room to negate the risk of immediately declaring “Bullshit!”. 

I returned and explained my side, with a great deal of annoyance in my voice. My friend felt bad and apologized, assuring me that I’m a decent guy and all that. But it wasn’t that I was irritated about - it obviously wasn’t her fault at all and I told her that. It was that, for my trouble last year, I got to have this super-complimentary bit of rumor make the rounds. So it stuck in the back of my mind a few days. “What if everyone thinks I’m some aloof asshole? Maybe this changed how people look at me! Maybe everyone thinks I’ve got tons of baggage!” Not having dating anyone since would, of course, not serve to give me the benefit of the doubt with anyone or prove it wrong, and I wondered if the way other, more recent events played out had anything to do with that.

I know what you’re thinking, and yes. This is, of course, completely fucking batshit insane. I’m aware, which is why I hope writing about it makes me realize what kind of silly things go through my head at times like this.

Enter today. I texted my friend, the one I spoke to before New Year’s, about this. I was annoyed, wondering if maybe the way I thought I was treated after a more recent event was related at all to this, or if it was a trend. I was my usual rambling self. (If you need proof that I’m not some kind of affectionless, emotionless robot, you should spend about five minutes around me when I get going on something.) His blunt response snapped me out of it right quick. Again, to paraphrase:

“Stop worrying about this. Worry about your interview tomorrow, and about sending out resumes.”

Duh. Yesterday I’d gotten the news that I had a job interview Friday (tomorrow). Exciting! And I was ready to shoot myself in the foot again over nonsense. Focus! I spent the rest of the day researching where my interview will be tomorrow, trying to learn everything about it. And you know what, I may not get the job, but I’ll be ready for it.

And as for the other things, I have to trust the people close to me know what I’m capable of, and worrying about what someone who barely made a dent in my life says about me to anyone is a fool’s errand. I’ve waited forever to show a side of myself to somebody that I’ve never had the chance to. I thought I was getting there a year ago, and that was put to an unceremonious end. Whatever was said or not said, it’s irrelevant; I know who I am and what I could be, given the chance. And, if anything, it erased any fleeting regret I had about how that all turned out. Eventually, maybe, I will find somebody that’s going to let me show that side of myself without looking for an easy excuse not to. I think that would be pretty awesome, to be honest, and I think we’ll have a grand time of it when it happens.

But, in the meantime, I’ve got priorities, and a job interview to crush tomorrow. Bring it on.