Ever since my car got broken into I intentionally keep the backseat a mess so as to prevent it from being an attractive target to an intruder. My logic is that if it appears that the vehicle belongs to a mentally disturbed cross-dresser they’ll be less likely to want anything in the vehicle. Another reason is that I’m too lazy to clean it most of the time, so there’s that.

brooklynmutt:

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You too can be a hipster with a candid cutesy photo on the internet! All you need is 7 helium balloons and a couple of plastic crowns. You don’t even have to get totally naked! In exchange, you’ll get hopeless romantics everywhere going “aww” and holding you up as some idyllic example of what they want to be. What a deal!

09-10 HOME SHIRT L/S ADULT - Shop - Manchester City FC

Getting me one of these bad boys once I have some spare coin. Craig Bellamy #39! I’m sort of excited for most people not having any idea what the hell it’s about.

brooklynmutt:

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They had these stupid ads all over the subways and, omg, how cute and clever and sweet!!!! I don’t get what were they trying to say. Chewing gum and kissing are related activities? Instant messaging is like kissing? I don’t get the point other than to put this bullshit all up in my face when I was already drunk and on my way to wherever I was going.

Get fucked, Dentyne.

Poopalone sandwiches?

HAHAHA TAKE THAT OKCUPID, YOU FASCIST COCKS! In all seriousness, it was too bad “because you suck and online dating is a farce” was not one of the options.

I hadn’t logged in for months anyway, but I couldn’t deal with knowing my profile was still there. So goodbye, for the third fucking time. There weren’t any lunatic dating experiences this time around, but I really didn’t need to remind myself that I had a profile, and I hate contrived social groups, especially ones where everyone appears to either have Internet Disease or only talk to .001% of those involved.

I also don’t like talking about myself like a superhero, which is what dudes apparently do on these things. Oh, wow, you have a recording studio? Maybe I’m cynical, but that’s a really fancy way to talk about the two guitars you keep in your parents’ basement. I can’t match that level of self-aggrandizing in anything but a parodic sense, so have fun if that’s your thing, I guess.

Briefly I considered turning my profile into a parody of everything I didn’t like about the experience, but decided against it. I’m glad I did, this rant is as much mockery as I want to bother dedicating to online dating ever again. If it works for you, that’s great and I mean that. I don’t get it, and I especially don’t get how people pay money for it.

You would think it’d be a good way for someone that doesn’t meet new people much to meet new people, but, well, fuck it. Who the fuck cares? I don’t care. Waste of time, waste of effort.

I can’t help myself, because I’ve become a jerk. A few things about this:

1. You like the word “adorable.” Men are not adorable. Puppies are adorable. Kittens are adorable. Men? No. I’m not a hypocrite on this, because women often say I’m adorable and I have to correct them by saying “the word you are looking for is hot, not adorable.” This is actually a lie.
2. Yankee jersey, cap, and blazer? Really? I’m not one for prejudging people, but…you know what, I am one for prejudging people. It’s only fair. For example, when people see someone wearing a Mets jersey, they immediately think of phrases like “self-hatred” and “alcoholic.” Comes with the territory.
3. Why is it when dudes stare at girls and don’t smile words like “stalker” and “serial killer” get thrown around, but when women do it they’re shy hopeless romantics? Double standard? Yes, double standard. I am right.
4. You are apparently a hopeless romantic who is wasting valuable internet bandwidth and inviting assholes like me to make jokes about your hopeless romanticism, OR, you’re quite possibly Alex Rodriguez. Congratulations! There’s a 50% chance you’re incredibly rich. Life’s not so bad after all.